And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
