I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
