I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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