I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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