You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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