gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
