my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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