i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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