can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
