She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
