What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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