Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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