Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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