I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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