You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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