he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
