I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
