today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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