I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
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