I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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