grandma shit on top of the toilet
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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