So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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