I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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