She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
