I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It's never too late to be topless.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
