It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
