Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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