dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
