I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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