there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I FOUND THE LEGS
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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