I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
