Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
