you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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