omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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