I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
