how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
