the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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