Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
