I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
