Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
God, I missed his penis.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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