I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
