The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish my penis had a tongue
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ketchup is God's man juice
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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