The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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