woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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