I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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