I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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