im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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