Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
