believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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