Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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