i was born a porn star she said
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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